Our song is the way you laugh.

There you are on your knees, begging for forgiveness, begging for me.

Just like I always wanted, but I'm so sorry..

'Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale, I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well.

This is a big world, that was a small town, there in my rearview mirror disappearing now.

And it's too late for you and your white horse to catch me now.

Stupid girl, I should have known, I should have known...

Clayton.

Do you ever get the feeling that we started in the middle? Or have you ever had the sense that we've been lying just a little? I mean, come on, it's not like we've known ourselves that long. And I can't say I really blame you for being bored with the beginning. Always staring at the score to figure out who's barely winning. But don't you know, there is a reason strong moves slow.

And I'm okay if you're okay with wasting time,

But when you trace, you always see the bottom line.

Shellfish.

Last night I realized, I am selfish.

A good friend of mine and her boyfriend have been staying with me, and when I got home yesterday, I walked into the middle of World War III. It was miserable!

"I loved her!" "He doesn't trust me." "You broke my heart." "Why are you throwing us away?"

So I set off to work, as I usually do, playing Dr. Phil. I talked to them each individually - showed them where they were right, and where they were just being spiteful.

After who knows how long, they came to an agreement and (I'm sure you all are DYING to know the outcome) eventually decided to give it another shot. Woohoo!

Let's start with the back story:

This is not the first time, or the first relationship, where I have been forced to be the mediator.

Don't get me wrong, I love all my friends dearly! But come on.. How healthy can it be to constantly get into massive fights over a tone of voice, or a text message?

I don't know why I always seem to end up in the middle of these things, considering my own personal love life. I can't seem to make anything work out for me, but I can for everyone else.

So this is where the selfish part comes in..

As I was sitting there enjoying my soup & Ritz crackers, and watching my friends tear each other to shreds - it occurred to me, I am selfish.

My heart wasn't in a place of worry, or sadness, or sympathy. I wasn't upset. I, actually, couldn't feel more pissed off!

"Why do I have to constantly fix other people? Why can't anyone stop and try to fix me?!" <-- Actual thought!

I have never felt so guilty! Here I am, watching two people I care about BREAK in front of me, and all I can think about is poor, poor, pitiful me. I am a horrible human being.

That thought haunted me all night long, and I didn't feel the tiniest bit of relief until this morning while I was driving to pick up my one true love. (Japanese Cherry Tea Latte w/ cold milk from Coffee Bean!)

I don't know how, but my radio had been set to Christian music and Chris Tomlin's "Your Grace Is Enough" came on. One line from that song hit me like a ton of bricks! "You use the weak to lead the strong."

Okay, okay God! You got your message through loud and clear. And no, I don't think I would have been listening if everyone around me hadn't been falling apart recently.

But I get it now, or at least I'm trying to. I understand that I'm the weak one, and maybe my broken spirit and vulnerability is a good thing. I really, really wish it wasn't but I guess that's just where I'm at right now.

I know I'll forget this in a couple of days, because well, forgetting the lessons life tries to teach me is what I do best!

Hopefully, I can use this post as a constant reminder of what God's always saying to me, what He's always trying to hammer into my head:

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

Happy Christmas.

Picture, if you will, a giant railroad crossing sign. You know, flashing lights and all. The one's that force you to stop, look, and listen. Now picture that constantly going off in your head.

Well, that's what I've been living with. I've reached the line, and it's unfortunately started to overflow on the people around me. (If you've been around me lately, it's probably been noticeable.) I have filled myself to the brim, and this railroad crossing sign is my mind's final warning before it self-destructs.

In the past few months, I have filled countless notebooks with quotes, lyrics, thoughts, hopes, dreams, struggles. All the things that my brain couldn't process on it's own.

Well, those have taken up all the room in my drawers and there definitely isn't any more room in this little head of mine.

So I've decided to take up blogging! (Ha, I never thought this day would come.) I realize that I'm opening my heart and soul up to strangers, but that's okay. I hope it will bring a sense of comfort, and of braveness.

Deep down, I really think I'm trying to not feel so alone. Cheesy, I know! But come on, a girl is allowed her moments. (:

To welcome my thoughts to the digital age (and to prepare you for future posts), I leave you with the words of Dante:

"Abandon all hope, ye who enter here."